There are 2 me’s.
One on medication and one without.
They real me watches the other me and has often wondered “What the hell are you thinking?”
The 2nd me, doesn’t care much for what the original me thinks at all. The 2nd me will destroy the real me if given a smidgen of opportunity.
There didn’t always used to be 2 me’s. This is a pretty recent development if you consider the time-space continuum. The 2nd me emerged like the creature did in that Alien movie – it was terrifying, confusing and all-consuming. I suppose that was the day when the first me died.
I had several choices at that moment; to physically die, to get help or to destroy every relationship that has ever meant anything to me at all.
In marketing presentations and talks that I’ve given over the years, I often speak of brand integrity; where what you think is what you say is what you do. At the time I lost my integrity of being simply because nothing added up or worked together to make me a whole person.
Why am I telling you this?
But today is important, because I haven’t taken my meds for a couple of days now. The first day I simply forgot to do so. Then I was preoccupied. As the days roll on something else happens inside of me that prevents me from opening the boxes and popping out the tablets. It gets quite difficult actually, to focus on what I know I should be doing because it really is better for me that way.
I think I felt the new me leaving sometime yesterday (which was a pretty good day by all accounts). This morning the 2nd me came banging on the door like a possessed or rabid creature. I knew it was there because I found myself not being able to control my thoughts, words or actions. I’ve been very much in control for a long time now – it’s better for me, my family, my friends and everyone I encounter actually.
I felt different this morning. My head feels like it’s pounding without any headaches. Nothing is okay, everything is a problem. It is the kind of day where I would throw away EVERYTHING just to get rid of the possibility that something will set me off.
I am a truly horrid person without my meds.
The last time this happened was because I decided that I didn’t need the meds anymore and that I could “Do This” without any drugs and doctors watching over me. I can’t.
I realised this then and I know it to be true. I’m an idiot for not doing what I know I should be doing. Simple. It is very possibly like smoking even when you know it is living suicide, or defiantly not eating well or exercising because it’s easier to deny the benefits than to actually just do something.
We leave for a beach holiday shortly. I’ve taken my meds now. It will be horrible for everyone to spend time with me and be around me if I don’t. My kids, husband and family deserve better. I deserve better.
The holidays are actually quite stressful for many people; if you aren’t in a good space then being hospitable, social and domesticated is not quite as enjoyable as those picture perfect postcards you see advertised on the holiday catalogues.
I’ll be right as rain again soon. I just need to behave like a responsible adult today.
I feel I need to state here that none of my blog posts were written without being on meds i.e. all previous posts about Depression and Mental Health are not an indication of my state of mind… I am genuinely interested to promoting more discussion to these conditions and topics such as suicide because I believe there are a lot of people who are at the starting blocks in this regard and they can be saved from the lessons and stories from others in similar situations. Just wanted to add that 🙂
If you’re anything like the 2nd me – be responsible. You’re not alone.
Be good to yourself.